If I had a dollar every time I were to disappoint myself, I'd have a lot of money. Like, a lot.

The most common scenario though, is when someone wins an award of sorts, or gets picked for a role in a play and I didn't— or as I like to call these situations, "surrounded by the twats". By twats, I mean talented people. Especially for introverts such as myself, I don't like being in the spotlight, and yet I still yearn for recognition. Quite ironic, isn't it? But then again, who doesn't want to be recognized for their works and skills? It's a rather nice feeling, to be appreciated for your efforts. It's just that for some reason, I get mad if someone obtains something I could've had. My mind is too power-hungry.

The spiral of self-depreciation is a challenge to escape. Once you make it a lifestyle, it's certainly a very serious thing that must be addressed. I mean, to look at yourself as less skilled can definitely be the starting route to improvement, but what if you don't take it that way? What if it spirals out of control, and self-depreciation could go more than just a being a small gag— it could escalate into an ever growing broil of self-hatred resulting in a permanently damaged self-esteem. And that's something that should never happen to anyone.

If I were to be honest, it's not really the failure of reaching a goal itself that saddens me; it's my inadequacy— the failure of reaching a standard. It's like a little nagging voice that croons about how I'm not as good as others, as smart as others, as talented as others.

Unfortunately though, I don't think there is much of a solution for this predicament. The cathartic feeling I get from hating on others and feeling bad about myself is baffling— it's some sort of twisted-up self-fulfilling prophecy.

That aside, there are times when I do get rightfully frustrated about a loss, when I think I gave more than I got (especially in the practicing/role auditions department). But I remember... Why must I be disappointed at my best? Simply because others don't appreciate your effort doesn't mean you didn't put any effort at all.

It's hard, I'm sure this situation is. It is rather difficult to stay positive about something like this, especially in the current times where everything you do is measured by numbers; grades, scores, ratings. It's also difficult hearing words like "grades don't define you" and "just because you can't (insert-skill-here) doesn't mean you're not good at other things" from people who are doing well academically or are super gifted.

Very recently, I've read a striking prayer from my devotional: "Teach me how not to measure myself against my friends, but appreciate my friends' and my own worth."

Quite true, isn't it? Once you think about it, your feelings of "inadequacy" are stemmed from not appreciating your own worth. Please remember, dear reader, that no one is as "you" as you are. In my case for example, I'm not the smartest kid. My voice isn't as sweet and powerful as my mates from theater. I'm not really that tall, I'm not the best debater or writer either.

But, how many people do I know is part of a musical production, an ex-choir girl, and a member of the school newspaper and debate team all the same time?

I'm not saying I'm particularly good in any of these things. In fact, I fancy myself as one of the less capable members in all these activities/clubs/organizations LOL. There are so many people who are much more skilled and talented than I in all these endeavors.

You can't make others happy, but you can make yourself happy about what you do. After all, who are others to judge whether you did your best or not? I'm certain that you know within yourself whether you really gave it your all or not.

Occasional wallowing is alright. It's hard to keep being positive, after all, no matter what people say. But then, I like to think that maybe someday you don't have to keep feeling bad for yourself. Someday the spotlight you yearn for will shine on you and you can finally be someone you're proud of. I just think that's a nice little thought to hold onto, and I hope you guys think so too.

I'm sorry for this rather gloomy post, but I felt like a lot of people could relate to this. We all need some sort of support system, and someone to give a sign that they're amazing and awesome and all the good things in the world. If you, my dear reader, are in this situation, I hope that this post is that needed reminder that you are indeed awesome and smart and amazing and you don't have to compare yourself to anyone or please anyone with what you do (^_^)

If I had a dollar every time I were to disappoint myself, I'd have a lot of money. Like, a lot.

The most common scenario though, is when someone wins an award of sorts, or gets picked for a role in a play and I didn't— or as I like to call these situations, "surrounded by the twats". By twats, I mean talented people. Especially for introverts such as myself, I don't like being in the spotlight, and yet I still yearn for recognition. Quite ironic, isn't it? But then again, who doesn't want to be recognized for their works and skills? It's a rather nice feeling, to be appreciated for your efforts. It's just that for some reason, I get mad if someone obtains something I could've had. My mind is too power-hungry.

The spiral of self-depreciation is a challenge to escape. Once you make it a lifestyle, it's certainly a very serious thing that must be addressed. I mean, to look at yourself as less skilled can definitely be the starting route to improvement, but what if you don't take it that way? What if it spirals out of control, and self-depreciation could go more than just a being a small gag— it could escalate into an ever growing broil of self-hatred resulting in a permanently damaged self-esteem. And that's something that should never happen to anyone.

If I were to be honest, it's not really the failure of reaching a goal itself that saddens me; it's my inadequacy— the failure of reaching a standard. It's like a little nagging voice that croons about how I'm not as good as others, as smart as others, as talented as others.

Unfortunately though, I don't think there is much of a solution for this predicament. The cathartic feeling I get from hating on others and feeling bad about myself is baffling— it's some sort of twisted-up self-fulfilling prophecy.

That aside, there are times when I do get rightfully frustrated about a loss, when I think I gave more than I got (especially in the practicing/role auditions department). But I remember... Why must I be disappointed at my best? Simply because others don't appreciate your effort doesn't mean you didn't put any effort at all.

It's hard, I'm sure this situation is. It is rather difficult to stay positive about something like this, especially in the current times where everything you do is measured by numbers; grades, scores, ratings. It's also difficult hearing words like "grades don't define you" and "just because you can't (insert-skill-here) doesn't mean you're not good at other things" from people who are doing well academically or are super gifted.

Very recently, I've read a striking prayer from my devotional: "Teach me how not to measure myself against my friends, but appreciate my friends' and my own worth."

Quite true, isn't it? Once you think about it, your feelings of "inadequacy" are stemmed from not appreciating your own worth. Please remember, dear reader, that no one is as "you" as you are. In my case for example, I'm not the smartest kid. My voice isn't as sweet and powerful as my mates from theater. I'm not really that tall, I'm not the best debater or writer either.

But, how many people do I know is part of a musical production, an ex-choir girl, and a member of the school newspaper and debate team all the same time?

I'm not saying I'm particularly good in any of these things. In fact, I fancy myself as one of the less capable members in all these activities/clubs/organizations LOL. There are so many people who are much more skilled and talented than I in all these endeavors.

You can't make others happy, but you can make yourself happy about what you do. After all, who are others to judge whether you did your best or not? I'm certain that you know within yourself whether you really gave it your all or not.

Occasional wallowing is alright. It's hard to keep being positive, after all, no matter what people say. But then, I like to think that maybe someday you don't have to keep feeling bad for yourself. Someday the spotlight you yearn for will shine on you and you can finally be someone you're proud of. I just think that's a nice little thought to hold onto, and I hope you guys think so too.

I'm sorry for this rather gloomy post, but I felt like a lot of people could relate to this. We all need some sort of support system, and someone to give a sign that they're amazing and awesome and all the good things in the world. If you, my dear reader, are in this situation, I hope that this post is that needed reminder that you are indeed awesome and smart and amazing and you don't have to compare yourself to anyone or please anyone with what you do (^_^)