The Chronic Disease of Self-Disappointment
First of all, belated happy blog anniversary you guys (it was last August *cough*
)! This site is three years old now, I can't believe it! It seemed like only yesterday when I was procrastinating entries to post for our school's blogging club... Except, I still do the procrastinating part. I guess not much has changed (^_^;) I apologize for the extremely delayed entry. 'Tis the season— not to be jolly, but to bury oneself under books and study for college entrance tests. Anyways, back to the topic at hand.
If I had a dollar every time I were to disappoint myself, I'd have a lot of money. Like, a lot.
I know it's not exactly something one can be proud of (it's not a good practice after all), but I admit— I am one of those people who get disappointed at themselves way too much. Even more so because I am an Asian who is actually not very smart (yes, we exist)
Honestly though, I don't think there is much we can do to avoid it. The void of self-depreciation is a never-ending cycle that just hits you in the face one day. I'm sure everyone has experienced that before. One fine day, you're simply going your own merry way, then BAM something happens and you feel so bad about yourself— you feel inadequate. Perhaps, you found out you failed a test, or maybe you simply cannot understand the lesson your teacher is droning on about, therefore making yourself feel useless and dumb because you are disappointed at your ineptitude in academics or whatever endeavor it is that you've pursued (my usual situation).
The most common scenario though, is when someone wins an award of sorts, or gets picked for a role in a play and I didn't— or as I like to call these situations, "surrounded by the twats". By twats, I mean talented people. Especially for introverts such as myself, I don't like being in the spotlight, and yet I still yearn for recognition. Quite ironic, isn't it? But then again, who doesn't want to be recognized for their works and skills? It's a rather nice feeling, to be appreciated for your efforts. It's just that for some reason, I get mad if someone obtains something I could've had. My mind is too power-hungry.
The spiral of self-depreciation is a challenge to escape. Once you make it a lifestyle, it's certainly a very serious thing that must be addressed. I mean, to look at yourself as less skilled can definitely be the starting route to improvement, but what if you don't take it that way? What if it spirals out of control, and self-depreciation could go more than just a being a small gag— it could escalate into an ever growing broil of self-hatred resulting in a permanently damaged self-esteem. And that's something that should never happen to anyone.
If I were to be honest, it's not really the failure of reaching a goal itself that saddens me; it's my inadequacy— the failure of reaching a standard. It's like a little nagging voice that croons about how I'm not as good as others, as smart as others, as talented as others.
Unfortunately though, I don't think there is much of a solution for this predicament. The cathartic feeling I get from hating on others and feeling bad about myself is baffling— it's some sort of twisted-up self-fulfilling prophecy.
That aside, there are times when I do get rightfully frustrated about a loss, when I think I gave more than I got (especially in the practicing/role auditions department). But I remember... Why must I be disappointed at my best? Simply because others don't appreciate your effort doesn't mean you didn't put any effort at all.
It's hard, I'm sure this situation is. It is rather difficult to stay positive about something like this, especially in the current times where everything you do is measured by numbers; grades, scores, ratings. It's also difficult hearing words like "grades don't define you" and "just because you can't (insert-skill-here) doesn't mean you're not good at other things" from people who are doing well academically or are super gifted.
Very recently, I've read a striking prayer from my devotional: "Teach me how not to measure myself against my friends, but appreciate my friends' and my own worth."
Quite true, isn't it? Once you think about it, your feelings of "inadequacy" are stemmed from not appreciating your own worth. Please remember, dear reader, that no one is as "you" as you are. In my case for example, I'm not the smartest kid. My voice isn't as sweet and powerful as my mates from theater. I'm not really that tall, I'm not the best debater or writer either.
But, how many people do I know is part of a musical production, an ex-choir girl, and a member of the school newspaper and debate team all the same time?
I'm not saying I'm particularly good in any of these things. In fact, I fancy myself as one of the less capable members in all these activities/clubs/organizations LOL. There are so many people who are much more skilled and talented than I in all these endeavors.
You can't make others happy, but you can make yourself happy about what you do. After all, who are others to judge whether you did your best or not? I'm certain that you know within yourself whether you really gave it your all or not.
Occasional wallowing is alright. It's hard to keep being positive, after all, no matter what people say. But then, I like to think that maybe someday you don't have to keep feeling bad for yourself. Someday the spotlight you yearn for will shine on you and you can finally be someone you're proud of. I just think that's a nice little thought to hold onto, and I hope you guys think so too.
I'm sorry for this rather gloomy post, but I felt like a lot of people could relate to this. We all need some sort of support system, and someone to give a sign that they're amazing and awesome and all the good things in the world. If you, my dear reader, are in this situation, I hope that this post is that needed reminder that you are indeed awesome and smart and amazing and you don't have to compare yourself to anyone or please anyone with what you do (^_^)
My Favorite, Expensive Pastime
Hello everyone! I am almost certain that all bibliophiles can relate to my sentiments when I say that book shopping is expensive. Like, very expensive.
Either that or I just didn't have enough pocket money with me when I went to the bookstore. Probably both
Unfortunately, book shopping is also one of a bibliophile's sources of joy. The aforementioned facts do not jive well with each other, but I suppose we just live with it. We all get by somehow *shrugs* C'est la vie, isn't that right?
Last Sunday, my family decided to go out and have lunch with some church mates. Afterwards, I was given pocket money while to rest went shopping. Obviously, they knew where I'd be waiting for them: the bookstore (*^▽^) I loved that particular shop, because it has three floors! You know what made it even better? 50% off discounts, people!
|Discounts on books are one of the things that give me life|
When going book shopping, I like to explore different titles and genres. I usually buy the ones I have never heard of, or aren't familiar with. It's like a trust exercise with myself *sweats* To be fair though, it's a good way to unearth some of the less-than-popular reads that are as heart wrenching as the mainstream products of the publishing world. I find that's it's good to venture out of our comfort zones too, since it's a way we could learn more about stuff we didn't know we'd enjoy, if we didn't give them a second look. That's how I stumbled upon these books (￣▽￣)
|Nooks and Crannies by Jessica Lawson|
(please forgive my ugly hand lol)
This is the first one that caught my eye whilst I was walking through the aisles. First thought— isn't the cover cute
? I felt compelled to buy it, as I fell in love with the art.
Talk about judging a book by its cover
I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't experienced my fair share of mysteries, aside from 39 Clues and The Mysterious Benedict Society, which I read ages ago). In essence, this is about Tabitha Crum, a little girl with a love for mystery novels. One day, she receives a mysterious invitation to go to the allegedly haunted country estate of a certain wealthy countess, along with five other children.
Though it is a children's book, I believe it can be as captivating as the grittier works aimed for the older audience. After all, the target demographic doesn't define the caliber of writing! Take The Chronicles of Narnia as an example, that series is an absolute gem even if it's aimed at little kids ♥
|With A Name Like Love by Tess Hilmo|
With A Name Like Love is another mystery novel— and with an average of 4 out of 5 from Goodreads (4.6 on Barnes & Noble), this one holds promise. Simply put, the story is about Ollie Love, who meets a boy named Jimmy in a town she and her father were currently staying in. It's a race against time, with the children finding a way to prove the innocence of Jimmy's mother from the charge of murdering his dad.
I think I got this one because the title sounds similar to another book, A Man Called Ove
, and I found that amusing. I also have a thing for mysteries and adventures involving children; it's reminds me how even little children, in all their youthfulness and inexperience with such adult situations, can be as strong and clever as their elders. And besides, these are the scenarios I've always wanted to happen to me as a kid. Who didn't want to solve crazy puzzles and have bizarre adventures? Okay, maybe a fair amount of people don't. But I think it's never too late to relieve those childhood fantasies of mine.
|Hope: A Tragedy by Shalom Auslander|
I saw the chicken on the cover and felt the strong need to own it, basically. I've read some reviews of this book online after I got home, and apparently, this one's a hit-or-miss (hence the extremely conflicting reviews on Goodreads
). This book is about a young man who, in an attempt to flee from his past, moves to the rural town of Stockton, New York. Unfortunately, he ran into some problems and things just get complicated.
The promise of it being blisteringly and appallingly funny is what convinced me to give this one a chance. Who wouldn't appreciate a good laugh? This feels like a good summer-y book as well, so I thought I'd add it in my pile of to-reads. I don't really know what to expect with this one, so I'm looking forward to reading it!
Well then, that's all for this "book haul" sort of entry. What do you love about books? I'd also love to know what genres you frequent! Feel free to leave a comment, and we could rave about literature together (> u >)
Changes and Cringes
Good day everyone! I've been going through my old posts lately, and wow
. Okay, can I ask you all a question? Have you ever felt very calm— like, you're having a normal day, a grand time... The metro arrived on time, you had a great lunch out with your friends, then suddenly bam
someone brings up that embarrassing story about your dark, emo days.
Okay, perhaps that was a bit of an overstatement. But, I'm pretty sure everyone has that cringe-filled era of their lives that is better off hidden in the shadows, y'know? Ah, but friends
! Now those kids? They wanna see you suffer. And that's also an overstatement, but you get what I mean right?
Well, this entry's not about me shriveling up and dying for friends' amusements, thankfully. I just want to talk about how time helps us change out of that cringe era (and for the better), as well as my own thoughts on that.
As I was saying, I've been browsing through my older blog entries recently. I first established this space in August 2013, so there's a whole lot of stuff going on here. And oh boy, my earlier posts were— ugh
I don't even wanna talk about it— IT'S SO CRINGE-INDUCING. I started thinking, was I really like this before?
And the answer is apparently, yes.
Have you guys ever felt like that? Going through your own posts and photos from back in the day, and just wanting to sprout multiple arms so that you could facepalm much more intensely at your own naïveté? I once posted a short entry updating the status of Hetalia's production that was just a bunch of links and digitally typed screaming in my state of fangirling delirium. Seriously. Why, Cossette, why?
And don't even get started on my first few entries. Having the power to control colors and fonts was too much for me to handle. I ABUSED that power. Colors everywhere
. Kaomojis everywhere
. Ellipses everywhere
. Tildes EVERYWHERE
. I was the weeaboo that present-day me would probably not want to associate with. I'm so glad I got out of that phase. Of course, not to judge those who type like that. I've just outgrown that style of typing, that's all.
Looking back at my previous atrocities, I can proudly say that though I may still have a long way to go to reach what I truly wish I could be, I have
been through many improvements, especially in my style of writing (begone, tilde obsession!). As a writer/blogger, this makes me immensely motivated to push myself even further. Who knows, maybe in the future I'd even look back to this post with disgust as I further enhance my skills in this craft?
As much as I want to go back and edit every single entry of mine that fell into any of those descriptions, I think it's best to simply leave it and let the world bask in the immature, kaomoji-loving, ellipses-abusing 13 year old Cossette of the past. This virtual abode of mine is, after all, a way of showing me being myself— me in all truthfulness. It would be a lie to say that I've always had immaculate blogging etiquette. I'm certainly far from being such a human as that. I am me, with all my flaws, my embarrassing past, and my ongoing process of self-discovery and improvement. It takes time, but it's worth it.
I hope that everyone will be able to view themselves this way. None of us are perfect (except fictional characters. Bucky Barnes is such a dreamboat ♥ ), and we are undoubtedly far from that. Flaws and all, I wish that you will be able to look at these things and use them as a stepping stone to be able to develop yourself even further. Yeah, it's not exactly the fastest way to go, but hey. It's a good start.
The Joys of Summer
Hello everyone! Finally, I am now on my long awaited summer break. Although, since I have to review for my college entrance exams, I still have to do loads of studying during the vacation. Ugh. Oh well, if I'll be able to ace it, then it's all gonna be worth it. Hopefully (^_^;)
Alright! It's been a third of a year since I last made an entry. Given that the last couple of months of the school year have been tough (a math statistical research paper? Yes, a task of torture), I'm infinitely glad that I could finally lift my head from the murky waters of school life and into the utter joy ride of sunshine, greenery, and twelve-hour slumbers that is summer vacation. Except, you know. I have to wake up everyday at 6 am to go to my review center. Otherwise, my break is going peachy keen!
So now that summer's begun for us, it's time to answer the million-dollar question: what are your plans for the three months of freedom?
WELL, actually a lot. No lazing off for me, because I'm going to go to college soon. Lots of prep going on. And since I decided to become a well-rounded person and take up a sport, I tried out for the table tennis varsity in school (I am yet to be an official member, but I am still required to attend the summer trainings). Then there is the practices for this musical we're having for school, which I am so excited about (*-*)
Speaking of musicals, the weekend my school ended (two weeks ago), I watched the musical of Les Misérables here in Manila. And, oh my goodness. Hold my teacup for me please, I am going to faint from wonder. Um, HELLO PEOPLE DO YOU HEAR ME IT WAS AMAZING (=´ ∀｀)/ I was crying at the end of the show.
Or idk maybe it's just me and my sensitive theatre heart well then ANYWAYS I loved the cast as well, they were all so good I am going to cry again. Kerrie Anne Greenland is a stunning Eponine. And sparks, Paul Wilkins is asdfghjkl dude omg. And y'all Simon Gleeson absolutely slayed! Well, everyone did. I have nothing but praise for the musical <3 I am so glad I got to watch it (>//u//<) YO SINGAPOREANS, THEY ARE HEADED THERE NEXT. GO WATCH THEM AND REGRET, YOU WILL NOT.
Let's see, what else? Ah, you— my dear reader— may have noticed the use of Undertale music in my current lineup. Yeah, I just finished watching Cryaotic's playthrough of it last week, and I loved it! Man, the pacifist route is so feel-y and sweet
and SPOILERS, a little grim at the end. I also watched Jacksepticeye's genocide run. So yes, spoilers abound if I discuss it, so I'll just leave that topic for another day. Anyways, if you do have some time and are curious about Undertale, please give it a try! The RPGMaker graphics might turn someone off, but what it lacks in graphics it makes up in the story line, quirky characters, and beautiful soundtracks. But hey that is but my view of it, pardon me if you didn't like Undertale XD
Now, back to the actual question: what am I gonna be up to? Yeah, aside from studying, I guess I'll simply be doing what I usually do during summer. Watch some anime (currently watching Sailor Moon. My inner 90s kid is squealing AAHHH), some Youtube, and just keep busy with my hobbies in general. Oh, and a little volunteer work ain't bad too! And I'd try to get a decent night's sleep, and just enjoy the days I could run around the yard with my dog, bask in sunshine (put on sunblock, people!), and feel the nice and quiet breezy rural village-esque vibe my neighborhood has. Summer is amazing people, get out of your houses and enjoy (while staying cool and hydrated. Even if you're not moving around, drink some water)!
Well, I'm in a chipper mood today so I ought to stop here before I ramble on. This post is already longer than what I usually write, I think (^_^;) Imma try to be back with another post some time!~ Feel free to comment down below and tell me how your summer is going, and what your plans are gonna be \(^0^)/ And if not, well then simply do tell what your ideal summer is like >:3
Hm, I suppose that will be all for now. See you guys soon, and thank you for sticking around. Have a great day! (> u <)/
Resolutions and Expectations
Hello all! At long last, it is the awaited beginning of a new year.
This post is long overdue, but let's pretend it's on time As 2015 has come to a close, we have all gone through our ups and downs, our own share of troubles, and most certainly a fair share of misadventures. But cheers to 2016, which I hope won't be as awful as 2015! Here is to many more experiences, fun, sorrows, dreams, love, and laughter that will shape us as we drive through the beautiful, twisty road of life.
Of course, despite new beginnings, there are still some regrets that have burdened me as the old has gone. There were many things that I was still unable to accomplish in 2015. I still haven't become proficient with my languages. My guitar playing capabilities are still below par. I still have a marshmallowy-fat belly. And I gained 10 pounds. As unfortunate as the situation may be, there is nothing more I can do about it aside from trying once more, no?
Perhaps out of practice, most of us seem to be attached to the idea of a new year's resolution. The exhilaration of simply planning the feats we intend on accomplishing has driven us to push towards greater heights. After all, a new year is a new chance, isn't it? Some of us may have resolved to get a new job, or perhaps get top marks in class. Not that I'm saying it's impossible, but those orders seem rather tall, don't you think? What happened to last year's resolutions? Are they simply dumped, forgotten until you come across those promises which were scrawled in the back of your memory? I hope that isn't the case. Please remember to try again, okay? It's not too late.
Something I would simply like to point out is that, we don't have to make brand-new, probably unattainable resolutions every year. Of course, being able to attain such a high standard would be lovely, but the fact is that most of us aren't really capable of accomplishing something absolutely outstanding in a short period of time. A year, in retrospect, is short. One must go through a long period of time, dedicating energy and passion to your goal.
Well, I'm rambling on again, aren't I? The point is, just take it easy. We're all struggling, and you're not alone. It's okay to fail, to binge a little, to not sleep as early as you hoped. What's important is that we have a definite goal, and we stick to it. Maybe something as simple as "no snacking in the afternoons" or "say 'good morning' to your parents everyday" can make all the difference. And if you fail, just breathe. Sit down, pray, then smile and try again. Cheers to 2016!
The Horse And His Boy
Hello, everyone! How's it going? It's already been around a month since my last post, isn't it? Ah, time does fly by quickly, especially when you're quite busy. Especially now that it's exam season over here, we got a lot of things to accomplish and submit...
That aside, I would like to talk about a theatrical performance that my church mates and I watched yesterday. It's a rendition by Trumpets Inc. of The Horse And His Boy, the third book (chronological order) of The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis. This book is about Shasta, a boy in the land of Calormen who attempts to escape to Narnia with Bree, a talking horse. Unlike the other books, the main protagonists of The Horse And His Boy are not the Pevensies. Instead, it is Shasta and Bree, who are later joined by Aravis and Hwin (the latter is also a talking horse).
I've already read the book prior to watching the production, actually. It wasn't the best book in the series, but I did enjoy reading it. I really liked Shasta in the book, though it took me quite a while to form a mental image of his appearance (when I was reading it). But I did like his clumsy personality. I found that sort of awkwardness endearing, especially in book characters. Needless to say, I have added him to my list of literary boyfriends (╯✧∇✧)╯
Aravis, on the other hand, was my #goals. Like ugh, a brave fighter and at the same time a sought-after maiden? Um, SIGN ME UP. Aravis should give me lessons, as she is the warrior princess I aspire to be. I ship her with Shasta.
Now, for the stage production itself. It was held in this large auditorium in the Meralco Theater. We actually missed the first part because of traffic caused by the temporary closing of some roads (thanks, APEC). Nevertheless, I had a wonderful time watching the two-hour presentation. The actors and actresses were amazing! Please, their skills are literally goals. The props and costumes were also really cool, especially the ones for the Talking Beasts (that's Bree, Hwin, and Aslan)! I'm sorry, I am positively obsessing right now, I cannot get over it. The play was absolutely smashing!
And oh, Shasta and Aravis! Please, catch me right now. Hold me back before I go on a fangirl speech. Their OTP score has absolutely skyrocketed. I shipped them, yes. But after watching the play, I was simply... surprised. I am also very sorry, but I just have to say this— Shasta is so cute. I like Shasta/Prince Cor ⁄(⁄ ⁄•⁄-⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄
He was so adorable and I just wanna hug him after watching the play, and... Ffffff, I cannot even right now. I am in that phase. Sorry Shasta/Prince Cor's actor, I am kind of obsessing over you right now.
I also saw him up close after the play. I didn't ask for a picture or anything though. I was too awkward (yep, living up to the blog name).
All that aside, I guess that my takeaway from the show is the reminder that things happen for a reason. Just like Shasta/Cor, we go through a ton of difficult things. We may see ourselves as extremely unfortunate. But really, in the end things will work out. All those hardships are simply a form of trial, training, or test to further your abilities.
Well, I suppose that's all for today. Thanks for reading! Tell me, have you ever read the book or watched this play that I was talking about? Do share your thoughts in the comments!
Alrighty, until then. Ciao!~ <3
Hello everyone. It is I, and today's blog post is a little more pensive than usual.
Last Thursday, I had a strange dream about death. In it, I saw my parents lie in a coffin, as everyone was mourning. Needless to say, I was as well. I woke up with a damp pillow.
Now yesterday, I watched a movie called "The Girl Who Leapt Through Time" (it's amazing and infuriating). The title pretty much explains what it is about— a girl who can leap through time (literally). She uses this time-traveling ability to fix her past mistakes and avoid difficult situations. Although halfway around the movie, she begins to experience the consequences of her actions. One of this film's themes is "time waits for no one."
|Yeah, screenshots FTW!|
Now, it reminds me of mortality (yes, forgive my morbid mind). Time waits for no one. In real life, we cannot will time to stop. It's impossible. If we're running late for an appointment, we can't ask time to stop for us. If we're having fun, we can't ask time to stop so we can go on forever. Time goes on, whether you like it or not.
There is also this one incident regarding Cyndago. If you frequently watch YouTubers, you may be aware of them. They are a trio who run their own YouTube channel. Almost a month ago, Daniel— one of the guys— attempted suicide. He failed, but still passed away soon after since his attempt did some irreversible damage.
Those who are in the know about them are aware that these folks dyed their hair with Markiplier for raising awareness for depression and bipolar disorder. Quite ironic, isn't it? They were trying to raise awareness for a cause that one of them was suffering through. We all didn't know. I suppose we cannot really judge, because I'm sure Daniel was going through his own troubles at that time as well. (You will be missed, Daniel Kyre.)
What I garner from these things is that time is continuous— life is continuous. It's constantly moving ahead, bringing us along. And, one of the things life brings along is death.
You may ask, where am I going with all this? Well, it's human nature to take life for granted. It's always present, seeing that we all have it. We never get to appreciate it and its value, because it is always present from the moment we're born until our last breath, and we only get to see it fade away when someone else's does. The bad thing about this is that it's usually our loved ones' lives we see disappear. But, we can't help them. We cannot do anything but watch because time waits for no one. It will always be too late to tell them what you feel. It is only at those moments that you realize you have to tell them you love them. I watched Markiplier play a game called I Remember The Rain, and he said something that really hit home.
"Tell the ones you care about that you care, because the problem with things like this is that some things get left unspoken and you never know... You never know when the thing you care about will be taken away from you whether it's your control or not.
So remind the people around you that they matter, and more importantly than anything that they matter to you. And you know, maybe you'll hear it from someone that you matter to them too, and that'll come right when you need it the most."
Things happen. Life sucks. But, we still gotta live life because just like what The Girl Who Leapt Through Time says, time waits for no one. The true value of life is one we only see at the last minute, but it shouldn't be so. I suppose you can never really put a precise value on it. It's priceless.
So what do we do about it? I think the opposite of the phrase works too— don't wait for time. Let's be honest, the right time will never come. This moment only arrives when you think it is, and when you believe from the bottom of your heart that it is meant to be.
We all know of Shia Labeouf's extreme motivational speech
, I'm sure. It's the video where he constantly yells out "JUST DO IT" in an aggressive manner. Honestly, we all probably laughed at it. The video is too ridiculously fitting as a glorious internet meme. In all honesty though, it's actually really inspirational once you listen to what he's really saying. There's one part where he says, "yesterday you said tomorrow, so just do it!". I believe this to be especially agreeable. Don't wait for the right time to do your homework, don't wait for the right time to choose which job you want. Don't put off life, because once it leaves it's never coming back. If you want to show people you care, then do it today. Don't settle for less. Help them carry their bags, or even just a simple hug. It's okay if it isn't a big grandiose event, as long as you do it.
I guess I may or may not be a little guilty of that too. I sometimes become rude and uptight to my own family, but I never get to show them that I do care. I take it for granted as well. We all sort of do.
Oh well. Perhaps it's about time we needed a wake-up call anyways.
Labels: anime, musings